One conflict I’ve always had a hard time with is feeling that different aspects of my nature just don’t make sense together, and it’s not a great feeling. I try to be self-aware and that’s difficult when you feel somewhat internally disconnected. Too edgy to really feel like I belong in elegant spaces. Two elegant to feel welcome in occult spaces. Too loud, opinionated, and conventionally unattractive to really feel socially validated as feminine. But all of these are genuine aspects of my nature. I love silk or cashmere when I can find it secondhand, but I have tattoos. I write poetry, paint and sculpt, but if you knew me in person you would know my conversational style could be called spicy. I am a student of the occult, but I have a somewhat materialistic nature. Because I am all about the richness of life, getting all I can out of this experience since the universe and the gods are going to guide us where we need to go. We have to take agency, that’s our gift and our responsibility simultaneously, but they will get us there. In the meantime I think it’s absolutely fine to try to live for the purpose of enjoying the experience, creating a legacy that made your world a better place, and moving forward with as few regrets as possible.
Here’s the revelation that hit me a couple of hours ago. I used the phrase your world. What this means is the social structures that are relevant to your experience, not necessarily the big arbitrary ones that have been set up for us all. This means your people, your gods or lack there of, your values. How you frame yourself within your world or your reality. You start with a foundation. Those people you have a genuine connection with. A moral compass that is based on experience and not whatever comes down the ladder of hierarchy we are supposed to climb. I was thinking about how I used to sort of be known as the pagan church lady because I had a very reserved, conservative style. Thinking about this made me realize that it’s not really about how your world sees you. It’s how you see yourself in your world, your framework. So if I want to be that practitioner with spiritual tattoos and a fairly elegant sense of style, then I create that space for myself to exist within my framework. And then all of those pieces can be united potentially, because focusing on your own framework, building your own world around that framework for a visual metaphor, means that the wider, careless, anonymous reality we all share, has less relevance. It’s reclaiming your power, ruling your domain. Then you can do two things. you can refuse access to your world for certain energies, whether that’s people or currents or experiences that you think will negatively impact your personal growth and happiness. And you can begin to manifest what fills this world of yours. I am currently exploring how daydreaming, intentionally living out those experiences in your head, can serve as a basis for manifestation. I know lots of us daydream to get a break from whatever personal circumstances we wish to escape, creating other versions of ourselves to live other lives. But what if it was an idealized version of yourself, with your knowledge, all your good points, with an appearance you actually like, living out things you desire, moments you want to see happen. Perhaps building in a little bit of focus to help channel those daydreams into energy you can put toward making your desires part of your external reality. Maybe it’s a big city condo somewhere warm. Maybe it’s travel. Maybe it’s family dinners on inherited China with children you haven’t met yet. Build yourself into your daydreams so they can be part of your world build.
A lot of us worry I think about how we are perceived. But I think it might be more important to ask how we want to be perceived only by those who are actually relevant to us and impact our lives. And before that, how we want to perceive ourselves within our own Framework. For me it’s important that how I present actually matches my genuine nature. I believe most of us are scared of who we genuinely are, and so are more willing than we should be to accept messaging that tries to feed on our insecurities and get us to obey Certain rules. And when we are scared of any aspect of ourselves we project that onto everyone and everything around us, so that anything straying beyond what we perceive as normal or right becomes a problem to us. Honestly my thoughts on how to get past this are you have to grow a backbone, look your naked ass in the mirror, be real about the good and the bad of who you are not just by physical appearance, but asking yourself questions like do you trust yourself, what actions have been mistakes and what have you intentionally done wrong, which are two different things, are you willfully choosing to ignore truth in favor of your own opinions, and what’s good about who you are. And then, just stop minding other people’s business. Those people who are personally relevant to you, their valid experience plays a role in how you let them exist within your world, your understanding of reality, because you cannot ignore their truth, and should not ignore your own. You have to find a place where you can both live if there’s conflict, or it’s time to make some space. Everyone has the right to agency, to building their own worlds, and have who they are respected, as long as they are not infringing on those rights for others. You have a right to finding your own happiness, building your own world and identity within it, but so does everyone else. Meanwhile, now that you focused on doing your own internal work, you can enter those parts of yourself you rejected, reckon with the choices you’ve made, and maybe start to build self-respect that is not based on surface level social perceptions or standards set by others. If you are focused on your own happiness and growth, your identity within your world will make sense beautifully, and maybe won’t feel so contradictory when dealing on the outside. Internal contradictions are human, sometimes we can integrate those pieces into a hole or at least figure out how to balance them, but I think the deeper issue is a question you might not have found the answer to about yourself as a hole. And that’s why I think about this stuff at three in the morning.
Solaria Divina 